Half of me is baffled that it is already November and the other half of me is super excited that its almost Christmas.
***Heavy post warning***
I spent a lot of time in quiet contemplation today, well as quiet as it gets in a house of two very boisterous energetic little men, contemplating friendship and what it really means to me. I have spent a lot of time in the past putting time and effort into relationships with people who claim to be my friends but I was sitting there today watching my boys play wondering if these people would still be my 'friends' if I stopped making such an effort.
My husband has said many many times in the past that I am way too generous, he claims that its one of the thing he loves about me but that I give way too much to other people. He isn't talking about financially though I am sure he means that as well, but too much of myself. I am always the first to offer help, a meal or a shoulder to lean on and quiet often will invite people over to share a meal. But today I thought about how often this is reciprocated. Please bare with me because I don't want anyone to read this to think that the only reason I do these things is to get something back because that is the absolute last thought going through my head at the time but a part of me wonders if I am being taken advantage of, how much I would mean to people if that wasn't a part of my nature and why after years of knowing some of our 'friends' we have never been invited around for a meal, how the "we should get together" or the "we should have you around for dinner" never eventuates and the contact is always initiated by us.
Normally I don't mind, I love to give, love to help, love to feed and love to love but today as the end of the year draws nearer I can't help but find my mind wondering. It has been a rough few years for me, the constant pressure I put on myself to be there for everyone else, to appear as if all is perfect, when inside I am breaking apart, is starting to wear me down and I asked myself today if anyone actually appreciate what I do for them or do they just take it for granted that I will continually put myself out there for them, continually put myself last.
Are the offers of friendship and help just platitudes made because people feel like they have to say something? Is this just a sign of the times, along with people neglecting to RSVP to events, is this just something I should learn to live with or do I need to evaluate my "friends"?
I am not a child or a teenager that needs to have a lot of friends to be okay with myself but the friendships I do have I would really like to feel like they are equal, ones where I am not the only one giving. I do have some very special people in my life who I know without a doubt love me for me and not what I do for or give them but I wonder about the rest. Do I continue to give in the hopes that one day they will give back or do I pull back from those relationships and let them do some work.?